Thursday, March 02, 2006


poet daniel thompson, the number one truth teller

the funny thing about this town is that it lacks the ability to be truly honest with itself, and that applies to the people, as well as the infrastructure. here's a piece that highlights this. its by a new writer in the kiloloarts camp- a twenty yr old kid from cleveland name d-bug.

i'm sorry
it complicates
your already troubled mind
while he unravels mine
polar conflits

rub off -your shoes
i am sorry for that
that suffers you garden growing
tell me how your knowing
when youre already dead

confess your sin dear
i'll, let it in
take that load

shove it on
down the garbage disposal

clean you, wound
it smells of rotten chesse
soap will help

unraveled matter
cum together
again in your head
i'm just so sorry

you couldn't let it go
just prune it back
your the only one
who finds the roots
dont let it
rape around you
it is paricitic
you let in the bug
Demagog Nei

before i attack the master of nei and endanger innocent lives for sake of
saving tact

slither inside
the thigh
a needle will surprise this compromise
and intense
you'll shuck other tape
a delirium made
inverse concrete
just doesn't reach
and its gone

just another day
clothes running with grease
alittle something of substance
-i began to doubt the shape of the sky
-oh no i
wont cry
within the slice of nei
i will remember the lines of coast
they remind me not to lapse

infusion intuition execution uninclusion

raw fatty ties
but don't forget

so they avoid contact with the eye
all come
falling atop my corpse
for fear of dissatisfaction
while i live a shy line
-do it all the time.
take what you can when you can
force it from my tattered coat
but don't misstep i'm armed
you know it
or maybe you will this time
your blood will be your own
i will be holding the knife
there's nothing behind my eyes
see how your trying to hide
your blood is my blood


just move away to a safe distance
we'll take this chance persistance
and make it rain
leuc-warm paradie
nothing quite matters here
we dont seem to see or hear
its really all wrong i fear
but i wont take the time to note
the cascading shame as i braid this
give it strength i prey i hope
these knots are boged down with greif
skin slick and cold with shimmering grease

-this house isnt a difunctional one
but functional through
less then speaking play
little notes can be found
exsagerating in a way, to say
(the nessesary, or seeming so)
you're needed to bow
heres how
better now, then later

-leavse gather on the gound insted of snow
her reflection looks like a ragdoll molesting something sweet

-i asspire to do magical things with my hands
all- comes through
speculated shapes formed with glorifyed mud

-some day soon you may hear me singing a tune
with a pout
alittle stout
needing to groume

listen if you wish
i'll be taking donations
in my dish
please dont piss

in it
is all i got

store owners
are less then thrilled accepting bills
with accrid oders

-i got a doll named a bird
i find that

there lay
all kindsa ways to expect the shit
you can get rather unsound
to drown the probable
coming up face down in the ground
find your way into a self fulliling destony
making your own conicidence
its easy to miss

there are people everywhere who dispair

the 'looky who' came into 'your' place
in the sound part of town
too loud and unwittingly proud
who seem too happy to enter
the laier where vagobonds guild

with whitting snares
romancing our place above
rationalizing our literal below

it's an ego trick
quite slick
at hiding a forked tounge

all are lacking
none are full
richly colored monicers can be deciving
Something [else] in the way

I am but a humble monk cowering in the corner of a ruined chamber of
crumbling rock eroded by the rains of many centuries dwarfing the walls to a
third of their finished character leaving only fragments
at their feet to
human capacity
staring at my life and soul refracted in the rays of your beauty
concluding the circuit in understanding of this existence
and yet you reply with no spoken words to the compilation of these thoughts
before I had even grasped the moment as if you had read the story of time
and what I would come to understand long after this moment had passed
"I am but a priestess and am far from what you imagine me to be
I fall to my knees and bow at your feet"
winds whistle through the oak groves the music of a hymn I had not sung
since mother died and I began my service in god
You pull my hands into your own and press them to your forehead
asking for me to bless you for I must be whom she had been preying to all
the while she envisioned one so very like me or I be a specter of some
furious malice to effect her so only to revile a devils face

and we spoke again without sound as the hymn was no longer such but a

screaming wind for god's sacred blessing came from the trumpets of angels
let us make a home in the earth you and I for we are alike
for there is no need any longer for this place
but what of god and yours
"your temple is no longer fit for your dwelling but be your union be as
perfect as the seat of your father in heaven is the will of our master" said
some unseen cherub
in some dark place will we dwell for we need no place from where we came and
forever entwined do we stay the perfect alter god did make

The Loop
An Essay on connected Su/Realities Written by: The Brooding

The Loop has many manifestations. You find them in all cases of extreme consciousness.
If one would call the super ego's thought: super consciousness, we could call this super real consciousness; The cosmic self's' consciousness.

One manifestation: a train of thought that develops a loop. One begins talking/understanding in circles, unintentionally. Made conscious of this loop, one will usually wish to free them self of it, as most anything, imposed. To do this you must never mention the loop. Mentioning it has the effect of reentering the topic, which one was looping. This kind of loop is usually a precursor and signal that other possibilities of The Loop are soon to come.

Another form of The Loop, comes into play while two (or three), through talking/relating/understanding, will realize they are close both in physical, and psychic distance. Having walked perpendicular paths they are meeting for a moment
before passing at the cross-roads. There they know each other to be the same person, and understand the (then) simple workings of the world. This axis is sometimes called the ah ha moment, eureka; a brief entertaining of enlightenment.

One final Loop state, the most intense and prolonged; If you feel you're living an existence of aguish, suddenly you are oddly propelled through coincidence into happy existence.
A common way of explaining this is The Twilight Zone or Bizzarro World.

This final state was explained by Dr. John Lilly (whom the film 'Altered States' was based) as the Cosmic Control Center.

(Excerpt from "The Dyadic Cyclone")
In ones life there can be peculiarly appropriate chains of related events that lead to consequences that are strongly desired. After such experiences, one wonders how such a series of events developed; sometimes
there is a strong feeling that some intelligence (greater than ours) directed the course along certain lines which It/He/She was/is programming. This programming originates from the Earth Coincidence Control Office (E.C.C.O)

There exists a Cosmic Control Center (C.C.C.) with a Galactic substation called Galactic Coincidence Control (G.C.C.). Within this is the Solar System Control Unit (S.S.C.U.), within which is the Earth Coincidence Control Office (E.C.C.O.).
The assignments of responsibilities from the top to the bottom of this system of control is by a set of regulations, which translated by E.C.C.O. for humans is somewhat as follows:"

To all humans
If you wish to control coincidences in your own life on the planet Earth, we will cooperate and determine those coincidences for you under the following
1) You must know/assume/simulate our existence in ECCO

2) You must be willing to accept y/our responsibility for control of your coincidences.

3) You must exert your best capabilities for your survival programs and your own development as an advancing/advanced member of ECCO's earthside corps of controlled coincidence workers. You are expected to use your best intelligence in this service

4) You are expected to expect the unexpected every minute, every hour of every day and of every night.

5) You must be able to maintain conscious/thinking/ reasoning no matter what events we arrange to happen to you.
Some of these events will seem cataclysmic / catastrophic / overwhelming.
Remember stay aware, no matter what happens / apparently happens to you.

6) You are in our training program for life: there is no escape from it. We (not you ) control the long-term coincidences;
you (not we) control the shorter-term coincidences by your own efforts.

7) Your major mission on earth is to discover/create that which we do to control the long-term coincidence patterns: you are being trained on Earth to do this job.

8) When your mission on planet Earth is completed, you will no longer be required to remain/return there.

9) Remember the motto passed to us (from GCC via SSCU):
Cosmic Love is absolutely Ruthless and Highly Indifferent
it teaches its lessons whether you like/dislike them or not.

Genesis Redux
A Book on Creation

If infinite possibilities exist
Then infinity also has the possibility to meet itself.
This was god meeting himself in reverse. This created the universe. Infinity has the possibility of something going on
forever must have the possibility to have a limit, but the nature of a limit has no meaning in infinity, so now you have a limit. This creates death and birth/male and female. So now the everything had a place in time- The white light of everything was now channeled though time (energy=time in reverse). This channeling occurred in such a way that divided life into 12 archetypes; where also channeled through time creating a perspective of life as being infinitely divided; infinite possibly divided by infinite prospective in the formula of


The everything that was everything

That one thing (and the inherent creative force energy, pentadrom the one thing vibrating), created the everything that is that is both nothing (space) and everything (matter). it incased itself in a machine, the parts animating; vibrated fashioning themselves through infinite possibility (which only needs one possibility to do) to produce an [E]verything that is our existence-
our perspective of everything. this is why any number divided by itself = 1 I%I= 1 but 0%0= negative infinity and thus an impossible equation to solve because it breaks down-destroys itself.

Reprise Surprise

The great destroyer and The great creator are one in the same.

God is female (god) and god in reverse is the male (devil). As a male and his female soulmate are two sides to the same coin. A
male can have a male soulmate, because they are both mentally female and physically male that is not sinful because these two create in other ways which is just like creating physically- just from another perspective. everything is everything else from another perspective. these differences allow you to realize heaven or hell the same force the same world understood from polar perspectives.


Your ancestry may have led you to be born into a certain
understanding of the world but that understanding if evil can be transcended if you seek the opportunity which will seek you but through your actions you will choice weather to hate/damn yourself thus being an instrument of the devil or the destructive force or love/bless yourself into being an instrument of god or the creative force.


God=Devil under the influence of energy. Energy and the creative possibility (of god)= life; God originally was both; But had to invert himself when he realized his own existence; which Aligned himself in an order that is perpetually expressing itself eternally; thus The universe is expanding, and will come to an end, but then, recreate itself. Something vibrating completely inward and out- A star going supernova is a black hole. A whole slowly expanding
infantily, till it meets itself, and begins imploding infinitely- till it meets itself, and begins to expand infinitely. The big bang births the big crunch births the big bang births the big crunch infinitely.

M(3) goes into C(<): <3 [male and female poles] g= 8(infinity)
it creates a whole ( 0 )

when you allow yourself to understand someone you kinda let them into your soul. your kinda truly embrace them with your soul. because not only to you believe (your thinking about it) but when you understand you experience the embrace, rather then just agreeing that the knowledge is there. you can only truly forgive someone when you understand them. of course any part of an attempt is part of what you're attempting to understand you've already experienced a part. so every different way that you try in understanding is changing just as your changing so eventually you can understand even the un understandable- anything if you spend enough time believing even if you first don't understand. because believing is faith and faith is the true way to intact your will. through faith believing and understanding. this is a kinda of magic. when you have knowledge of faith
belief and will you can perform magic (manipulation). through empathy you become part of something and they become part of you and you can control your self thus something else. this is the feeling being one soul that we are part of an infinite machine, and this understanding faith and belief is a sort of fourth consciousness, you become aware of something else that is a part of you and can then move it, seeming magical.

In The Evolution
Our Collective Experience

we have the ability to understand anyone we're with- actually understand not just hear there words but feel the understanding of that person. why we don't- is because we fear that if we understand that prospective even alittle bit that we would not only be less of who we are currently also we would be more like them, who we feel responsible for this problem. as everything is relative; we are the
center of our universe, they brought you the problem of their difference. so they logically instinctively should be charged with dealing with 'their' problem and understand my perspective rather they I deal with their problem. we are one. how is one species different from one individual. we were designed to resemble eachother- I say if one can perceive undeniable similarities then one is part of that tribe and are all limbs of their particular organism. why be individual blades of grass, when you can have the unity of the sky. why do the beliefs of an individual have be the beliefs of the group. if we are separet at least in prospective of course things will be alittle different

R o o t E n t r y
The Point Written by: The mad
monk- The corrupt magician, and The choking alchemist

"When I am king you will forced against the wall "
Says the Brat Prince of darkness-
There's only so many things to spill out in a random order and call it something different"

everything is seen through gods prospective

god created a series of systems which everything is including god, and the series of systems

so nothing matters and nothing changes its all jibberish (completely absurd)

where on drugs where dead
where in hell heaven purgatory
and its all a coincidence
its all an esoteric language.
a = series of feelings that mean experiences

T î
        a b c ò ó ýûù÷õóñï G

we are the agents we are agents of an alien organization set down on earth to monitor, report and shape reality we were chosen to be agents at birth and through the use of psychedelics, disassociatives and other entheogens we have come in contact with the alien mother board. the loop. we have realized the existence of a system of constantly moving and repeating acts and occurrences. we realized this system, the Loop and came in contact on a subconscious level with these Other Entities, our Superior Agents.

Third Eye See

If I concentrate, I can see. Instead of a cough: Little machines, going Byzantine Conduit style, inside this site (Of I), truly infinite machinery. Every unit, infinitely telescoping, smaller into the mere, indirect, routs, lines, or strings; Pouring from god's
river. As water pouring over his lips into a lake. The lake, twindes into the universe, and everything in it.
The Aztec pyramids-all pyramids. That patriarchal, phallic reminder of the sacred male. The water, and how it is wound; the river running through the Aztec pyramid- The space (water) that forms, and animates our reality. The flowing desert landscape- The pyramid is gods form, the world around it, is the water. The invert, to the worlds: developed film perceptive. Which also influences realities shape.
He occupies a side, thus limiting the slope he occupies. Suppose geometrically, a triangle within a plane. Both (triangle) sides the same slope.
The universe is whatever's left over. It takes every advantage of that space oppositely of the pyramid/triangle or god, who is completely singular. The universe exists in every space in that plane outside the triangle. Creating infinitely tighter and
tighter angles, and infinitely larger ones. Existing as each and every one; in those spaces that are infinite. This is the nature of our universe/reality.

This can be represented as the symbol of the third eye: we are god (the pyramid), but also inside him as the water, or the white cornea. Still further within, the winding, telescoping irise, and finally at our prospective the pupil.

Our consciousness exists under the devil/goddess/logic/creative chaos/life/existence/ birthing/mother. This is what creates space and the shape of the natural units (cells, atoms/ bodies/organs/persons/objects/etc.). This is in a telescoping twisting manner represented by the double helix (irise) among all other things. Made in the sea of gods exhalation spewing (or seeming so) from the tip of his body (or
So the pyramid, mound, penis (anything phallic)-

-Something like the equation for something boiling in a pot. vessel + liquid % pressure/heat= the mess of water on the stove, which is life: vessels /god/universe.
As we're inside him, we conform to his shape and the shape of our molecules and there natural laws + heat pressure= Either we boil over and get hurt as we're outside our [or learn how to wind the outsides deviation inside us- rather unwind outside's infinite twisting, inward, truly excepting it- or
we age, become mentally-ill, starve, die, rot, etc. {This is our one choice. In the garden of good and evil which will you choose? Will you choose to stray from god's path, out of sin, or will you follow his channel, which is the best.}] container/god/faith. Now we're in hell (everything outside the pyramid/temple/church/god/faith/pot/triangle/vessel/) It's still life; it teaches us how to stay in the temple (god/vessel). This is our mother- the savage garden. Who breeds all different types of fruit. She will teach you, if you have to let her. She is everything outside the pyramid (the white of the eyes).

The iris, is what can become in the white (within god or without god); Within the desert or river, outside the pyramid. The chaos that breeds existence. The colour.
We are the pupil- that point of view. We, within
chaos (the iris), within the garden (our existence, our mother), and shaped by god. The shape of our world.

Drugs are (a more direct) manifestation of god; as is art, religion, poetry.
All shaped by the dimensions of our temple (that is our bodies/minds/homes/jobs/computers). The God/dess (universe) is the temple that birthed you; and has set dimensions. Our temples are ever changing. Reaching for what we feel, are the best configurations we've found, that are as gods(configuration). We change until we feel best; that best time, we try to reach/recreate until we find a better best time which we feel is perfect/paradise/heaven thus must be closest to god or when we were channeling or making ourselves like him or his dimensions. I feel as if I am mentioning concepts with other concepts like im having twins and raising them both with good values and they have twins and raise them with good values and this is god father of my
children as I am speaking thinking entertaining with him lol having sex with him, and he's aligning my understandings but I cant align mine because of my shape, like gods kids cant ever be god because we are all smaller vessels/units within him/all around him always trying to carry as much weight as him as our fathers based on his slope/dimensions but even if we become congruent we will never be the size of he because we will always be within him/the universe but the sacred mother/female/goddesses teachings/form within him/god/the temple the priestess will explain us and how we were created like our mother in our fathers house like a teacher in school she will gush more then you can understand but you go anyway to learn that which will led you to understanding and you will sigh after much confusion and exclaim she/that teacher/the priestess/lover/poet/artist/drug, what you learned but didn't understand and do now was right all along. everything is a microcosm of the first
interaction between our heavenly father and our earthly mother not that she's just earth but the inside of the universe everything in it is his and her children perpetually within her the sperm of our father his creation and hers like land and fertilizer grow so do we , our father penetrated our mother and stayed with her evermore and there children grow inside a universe exists from him in her womb and telescope infinitely smaller because we cannot escape their form, our parents genes they will always shape you. you are always within god you are always within the goddess and comprise little gods and goddesses and make even smaller gods and goddesses and are comprised of littler still gods and goddesses who do the same... its really beautiful... the perfect romance.... our perfect
romance . . . ...................................o 0 ) ) ) ) ) )

[tO feek- you may edit this part out if youd like, i thought it added some]

aShadeofDarkness: hey i wrote something great again today
lemonaDe spit: did you ?
aShadeofDarkness: and i love you like mdacrazy
aShadeofDarkness: mad
aShadeofDarkness: currrraaazzyy
lemonaDe spit: i love yoooou like mAdCrAzy
aShadeofDarkness: so bad so good so long so soon yes now hownbout how ask how brown cow im ganna love like waterfoul
and strook your chest like beating wings its the best
aShadeofDarkness: i cante belive sometimes watching this pour outta me its like im speaking him through me and its as close as i can get and ever gotten to being like him and so its like im imulating him through my mind and world and understanding it just sounds the best now that im with her whos you and the world and understanding it like you are understanding of me and im inside you inside him which is the temple where we lay and make love the longest of hair ours grows together like the mingling of red and all reds and blond and all blonds making a golden currten to veil us from the world like a caccon in which we play all day every moment of a second-stringed our hair there forever stuck from our closness of our own disine and we have all time and form a plant and grow into the ground without a sound and live inside our our little hive within the center of it all opposite the great fall of man from his garden we'll grow
back to the begining one romantic fit of whole ones ours the only one'sat'n'exsistance
lemonaDe spit: *big, long sigh*
aShadeofDarkness: its just all so good
lemonaDe spit: you are happiness
aShadeofDarkness: and you too you know
aShadeofDarkness: and we know
aShadeofDarkness: so you should read my blog now
lemonaDe spit: kay! was your day?
aShadeofDarkness: it was good good good hows yours?
lemonaDe spit: pretty okay. i havent slept in like, 35 hours but im not tired. went to work, cleaned and organized the entire play room, re-arranged the tv and bookshelves and everything. marcee loves me *takes a bow* ...i really love organizing other people's shit. its really fun., then i went to big lots and hallmark looking for a thinking-of-you card to send to my grandparents in michigan because they've been on my mind for some reason lately and they'd probaby like to hear from me. but i couldnt find a good one... um, but i DID buy two really
awesome accessories for our kitchen !
lemonaDe spit: well, one's a set of something and then one's just one of something but they rock
aShadeofDarkness: what are they?
aShadeofDarkness: ours meaning your parents?
lemonaDe spit: ill go get em outta the car & take pictures of them in a lil bit., ours meaning ours ^_^
aShadeofDarkness: ouuu
lemonaDe spit: and im about to DIE for this other thing i found at the flea-market in the antique furniture section. ommmg im getting it next weekend but i cant tell you what it is. teehee.
lemonaDe spit: i dont care if i have no room for it now, its MINE.
aShadeofDarkness: +)
aShadeofDarkness: soooo happy mchappster the energertic hammster a michanical animal for all times and every occation get down to the hammster mentality baby
aShadeofDarkness: he he
lemonaDe spit: hahah
aShadeofDarkness: lol
aShadeofDarkness: thats going to be the discription of my blog insted of the crickets thing
spit: aaand then i came home, then christie called and wanted me to come down because they were cleaning out their whole house, getting rid of clothes & junk (pawning it off on ME, as if i need more)...she made me take a pregnancy test too because apparently she had talked to mom *EYEROLL*
aShadeofDarkness: lol
aShadeofDarkness: whatd it say!!!
lemonaDe spit: . . .
lemonaDe spit: well
aShadeofDarkness: mmmhmmn
lemonaDe spit: - negative
aShadeofDarkness: awwwwwww
lemonaDe spit:
aShadeofDarkness: i wanna have a baby with you
aShadeofDarkness: like now
aShadeofDarkness: kay
aShadeofDarkness: now
lemonaDe spit: LOL. yeah, i was kinda excited. i mean, we were in her gramma's bathroom together and talking about what it would be like n stuff. i wasnt nervous at all... but probably because i had the instinct that i wasn't
aShadeofDarkness: yeah my sister said she knew long before she took the test
lemonaDe spit: mmmhm. so what'd you do
aShadeofDarkness: i washed my dog depmt about flying saucers and a party in inverted mentor in my parents inverted house which i relise are like all my familys houses grandparents cousins sisters
aShadeofDarkness: did i tell you he got sprayed by a skunck last night
lemonaDe spit: lol, no!!
lemonaDe spit: thats the worst
aShadeofDarkness: yes it is
aShadeofDarkness: i told him right before i let him out because ive not been puting him out on the lead when i dont walk him that day so he can run around abit not to do anything stupid and so im thinking that whenever i say things outloud to myself i should trust more or think about cus i said somethings gonna happen the night i started enlightenment and thought nothing of either
lemonaDe spit: lol
aShadeofDarkness: you reading my blog?
lemonaDe spit: im finished with it now
aShadeofDarkness: whata you think
lemonaDe spit: i dont... know *tilts head* you explain things so indepth sometimes i
just cannot follow. or its like a stream of thoughts together and its hard (for me) to understand
aShadeofDarkness: well basicaly everythings a metephore of the first thing that happened
aShadeofDarkness: and the shape of god is like a triangle or a mound like a penis and the world is everything thats not the penis and the penis is inside the goddess and our world exsists inside her tummy and we're all like gods and the godess children
aShadeofDarkness: does that make sense?
lemonaDe spit: mmm yeah
aShadeofDarkness: so just how we have our parents genes and our parents genes were made from there parents- and everything has something like genes we're all conected cus all our genes are gods so like we're a methepor for god in a manner of speaking
lemonaDe spit: today, i was asking the twins random questions. and every answer was "because god made it" ...and morgan stood up on the bed and threw her hands up in the air and said "because god makes EVEWYthing
wobin! god is evewything"
lemonaDe spit: i was like omg, i wish i had recorded that
aShadeofDarkness: that is exsactly right
lemonaDe spit: what chya doin
aShadeofDarkness wants to directly connect.
lemonaDe spit is now directly connected.
aShadeofDarkness wants to send file C:\WINDOWS\Desktop\mandel3.jpg.
lemonaDe spit received C:\WINDOWS\Desktop\mandel3.jpg.
aShadeofDarkness: thats like a picture on its side of what i was talking about in my blog
lemonaDe spit: *nods*
aShadeofDarkness: does it help any?
lemonaDe spit: mmhm, it looks like an eye
aShadeofDarkness: mmmmhhmn it is an eye and its looking at your eye right infront of it
aShadeofDarkness: like the world is a person and its looking at you
aShadeofDarkness: the world is just what that person looks like
lemonaDe spit: mmhm
aShadeofDarkness: but its looking at everybody and everybodys looking at
aShadeofDarkness: its weird though cus everything in the world like all the stuf is like its kids and so we can all look at eachother as family all things
aShadeofDarkness: and space is god
aShadeofDarkness: but theres space inside us too between the parts inside us
aShadeofDarkness: and so the space is like the godess are mother but things are their children
aShadeofDarkness: our*
aShadeofDarkness: and god is like are qualities
aShadeofDarkness: our*
aShadeofDarkness: and we're both space and qualities
aShadeofDarkness: but inside the big space and qualities
aShadeofDarkness: of god and the goddess
aShadeofDarkness: so we're just like them
aShadeofDarkness: and theyre family
aShadeofDarkness: so alike we're like the same thing
aShadeofDarkness: one thing
lemonaDe spit: did you fall asleep last night?
aShadeofDarkness: very much so
aShadeofDarkness: was worn out by the day
aShadeofDarkness: sorry
aShadeofDarkness: in fact i
didnt eat nor have i today i forget to
aShadeofDarkness: gonna go take care of that
aShadeofDarkness: i love you robin
lemonaDe spit: lol. arent you hungry
aShadeofDarkness: not really
lemonaDe spit: i love you
aShadeofDarkness: more like this lil thing missing i dont know what and dont think of cus its so small
aShadeofDarkness: kay bazak
lemonaDe spit: sup
aShadeofDarkness: can i tell you if i may
aShadeofDarkness: you are beaut i if ul
aShadeofDarkness: andi lo ove yo u
lemonaDe spit: yesss sir, you may. you are beautifuller & i love youest.
lemonaDe spit: i emailed you
aShadeofDarkness: earlier or just now
aShadeofDarkness: i got the one earlier
lemonaDe spit: earlier
aShadeofDarkness: you were on myspace n not on aim and i had msn n aim open to talk to you n see if you were on either cus you were on myspace n you wernt
aShadeofDarkness: and emailed that
lemonaDe spit: maybe i had just logged off. myspace
always says your still logged on atleast 10 minutes after you've signed out of aim sometimes does.
lemonaDe spit: because when ill be with sasha, we'll sign into me and then sign into her...and on her page it will say im still signed in, when we're totally logged in under her name. and it'll say that for a few minutes
aShadeofDarkness: yea this girl who has been my best friend since ive been young hits me up.
She says she sees this profile of someone that reminds her of her first crush. I dunno Im not the one who should be filling you in Ill let her.

I will let you know that she is cool as hell and gets pretty crazy at times in a fun way. to be honest i used to have a crush on her myself but its too weird now. she said she was shy or something to be the first one to initiate talk but she even posted a blog about ya or something

anyways seems like you are all she is talking about and interested in so check her out and add her up as a friend. something
might work out who knows yea
aShadeofDarkness: My best girlfriend asked me to message you, weirddd i know but cool
lemonaDe spit: i got the same thing.
lemonaDe spit: i was like. . . hi im not a lesbian k bye.
lemonaDe spit: that was the subject^ my best girlfriend asked me to message you, weirddd i know but cool.
lemonaDe spit: lol
aShadeofDarkness: 19 years old
PROSPECT, Kentucky

lemonaDe spit: yet they never give you a link to the girl's myspace. i mean wtf dude.
aShadeofDarkness: I might have found someone that interests me

I was browsing myspace and I ran into someone that reminded me of my first crush. I read their profile and it made me nervous because the person that I once fell for passed away when we started getting serious. I think it might be fate for me to get to know them. I am shy and I don't know where I should take this. I hope that they are reading this. I am a special girl who is looking for a
special person and I hope that myspace is it.I have always been a little wild and I hope it doesn't offend the others. Oh well enough of me rambling. I'll think about what Im going to do next.

aShadeofDarkness: i dont know this person
aShadeofDarkness: wtf
aShadeofDarkness: what kinda scam is this
aShadeofDarkness: i dont get it
aShadeofDarkness: weirdddd man
aShadeofDarkness: she looks a bit like aja
aShadeofDarkness: but aja does not look like that
lemonaDe spit: lol
aShadeofDarkness: like aja must be 22
aShadeofDarkness: and that girl looks like 18
lemonaDe spit: shes in CA...
aShadeofDarkness: yeah
aShadeofDarkness: thats aja
lemonaDe spit: thats nice
aShadeofDarkness: lol
aShadeofDarkness: exsactly
aShadeofDarkness: fuck it
lemonaDe spit direct
connection is closed.
lemonaDe spit: ?
lemonaDe spit: thank you for exing my box there darling...
aShadeofDarkness: i didnt i thought you closed it
aShadeofDarkness: the direct connect
aShadeofDarkness: aShadeofDarkness: thats aja
lemonaDe spit: thats nice
aShadeofDarkness: lol
aShadeofDarkness: exsactly
aShadeofDarkness: fuck it
lemonaDe spit direct connection is closed.
lemonaDe spit: ?
lemonaDe spit: thank you for exing my box there darling...
aShadeofDarkness: i didnt i thought you closed it
lemonaDe spit: noo ;/
aShadeofDarkness: ?
lemonaDe spit: aShadeofDarkness direct connection is closed
lemonaDe spit: lol
aShadeofDarkness: maybe it closes after a min of non use
aShadeofDarkness: something
lemonaDe spit: that would make sense
aShadeofDarkness: you worry lady
aShadeofDarkness: you were saying thats nice like whatever and i was agreeing whatever/fuck it
lemonaDe spit: that would make anyone
worry, if you said fuck it and looked like you closed the box. lol
aShadeofDarkness: no lady
aShadeofDarkness: everything is beautiful
aShadeofDarkness: okay
aShadeofDarkness: everything will be always beautiful
aShadeofDarkness: nothing can hurt us now
lemonaDe spit: okay =) i believe you
aShadeofDarkness: +pd=
aShadeofDarkness: !
aShadeofDarkness: + is male and = is the female
lemonaDe spit: al;kmQFP@(5)I@ppawwqpq35
aShadeofDarkness: like i put the + in your = and you get like a child
lemonaDe spit: llllllike a virgin! *reaches toward the sky dramatically & throws her head back like madonna* TOUCHED FOR THE VERY FIRST TIIIME oh oh oh
aShadeofDarkness: like it makes like an hourglass |+|
aShadeofDarkness: I
lemonaDe spit: liiike a vir - ir - ir - irrrrgin
aShadeofDarkness: += I
aShadeofDarkness: +=1
lemonaDe spit: she'll be coming round the mountain when she cuuums, she'll be cummin' round his mountain when she cuuums,
she'll be cummin' round his mountain, she'll be cummin round his mountain, she'll be cummin round his mountain when she cuuuuums
aShadeofDarkness: *licks your lips*
aShadeofDarkness: your extasy is sexual and mine is intilectual and we have sex and i cum in my head and you cum in your body
lemonaDe spit: maaaama mia! oh dis pasghetti es SO gooood! *fingertips to her lips & kisses* whatta you do differently den beeefore mama? luuuff it
lemonaDe spit: oh?
aShadeofDarkness: yeah i see visions member when we have sex
lemonaDe spit: uh huh
lemonaDe spit: bombs over bahgdaaad...
aShadeofDarkness: and you didnt see um when i told you that one time and that was the first doubt i had in our relationship ever but you see them with your body
aShadeofDarkness: cus your the heart and i the mind
lemonaDe spit: i see
aShadeofDarkness: whatd you see
aShadeofDarkness: i wanna see what you can see
lemonaDe spit: im the heart and your the
aShadeofDarkness: your the lake im the pirimid
aShadeofDarkness: im a priest to your goddess, your the preistess to my god and we're both sure the other is the purer
aShadeofDarkness: but we're both one
aShadeofDarkness: god and godess are one big everything
aShadeofDarkness: and thats us
aShadeofDarkness: the perfect romance
lemonaDe spit: mmhm ^-^ !
aShadeofDarkness: you get it now?
lemonaDe spit: well, yeah, that up there ^ is pretty obvious
aShadeofDarkness: like im lying down and my dick is sticking stright up (pyrimid) and your ontop of me (sky) and were having sex and our cum is the water below us the lake
lemonaDe spit: *nods* !
aShadeofDarkness: okay
aShadeofDarkness: thats it
aShadeofDarkness: lol
aShadeofDarkness: thats like the universe
aShadeofDarkness: what it looks like
lemonaDe spit: ahhh ha
aShadeofDarkness: like and you can see it in the eye in the trangle
aShadeofDarkness: except the sky is the white
aShadeofDarkness: and the irise is the lake
aShadeofDarkness: and you are the puple because you are a person standing inside the lake thats in the sky that god the pirimid is having sex with
lemonaDe spit: mmmhm, that makes sense
lemonaDe spit: see, you just gotta break it down for wobin
aShadeofDarkness: so all guys are going to look like god despite all our eveolutions were always gonna have a prick and girls are always gonna resemble the goddess and have a place for the prick
aShadeofDarkness: all male and female things resemble the first parents
aShadeofDarkness: all things are because of them the one thing that is everything that is two things and one
aShadeofDarkness: like us
aShadeofDarkness: this is ours we made it
aShadeofDarkness: we did it so we could be together like them
aShadeofDarkness: forever
lemonaDe spit: god, i love you so much denver
aShadeofDarkness: i love you robin
aShadeofDarkness: this is onea the things i
wanted you to understand +)
aShadeofDarkness: that i thought'd make you happy
aShadeofDarkness: i know we were kinda talking about it, but we were kinda talking around it too
aShadeofDarkness: like always
aShadeofDarkness: talking about being the god n goddess
lemonaDe spit: mmmhm
lemonaDe spit: i feel like we have thrones sitting ontop of the world
aShadeofDarkness: or a cacoon inside it
aShadeofDarkness: +)
lemonaDe spit: that too, inside the core
aShadeofDarkness: like because things grow out of us the center is like the top
aShadeofDarkness: like the center line eveythings around like a vien that grows around something we're that something
aShadeofDarkness: like the may pole people walk around
aShadeofDarkness: but the may pole is inside the ground to
lemonaDe spit: . maypoles. those are so purdy
aShadeofDarkness: youre the earth i the pole
aShadeofDarkness: mmhmn
lemonaDe spit: with all the purdy
aShadeofDarkness: thats our cum
aShadeofDarkness: +))
aShadeofDarkness: and our children come from that cum
aShadeofDarkness: thats why they hold the end of our cum like they come from it
aShadeofDarkness: or grow outve it
aShadeofDarkness: so we're kinda having sex and creating the world
aShadeofDarkness: lol
lemonaDe spit: mmmjesus i wanna have sex wif you
aShadeofDarkness: lol
aShadeofDarkness: mmmhmmn
aShadeofDarkness: its really weird like on dex when i felt like i was communicating with aliens- it wasnt like it was a conversation i couldnt say anything they were just like watching me and i could sometimes make out what they were saying/one time they looked like my managers at hometown and i was kinda having a closed eye hullisination/ they were saying i was doing it wrong. anyway whenever id wake up itd feel so strongly like someone was in the room with me
aShadeofDarkness: and lately im not doing anything and i feel like
someones in the room with me, like the aleins are there with me and theyre all happy and dancing because im gettin it
lemonaDe spit: haha!
lemonaDe spit: wow
aShadeofDarkness: oh and aliens are angels like gods messengers
aShadeofDarkness: trying to help us to be like god
aShadeofDarkness: evolve
aShadeofDarkness: and you become like them when you get it and become an angel messenger of god yourself trying to help others on their way to where you are
aShadeofDarkness: okay so im thinking that person is collecting people from myspace that she thinks are like her that get something she gets i think
aShadeofDarkness: like i do with my collective
aShadeofDarkness: thats everybodys group thing
aShadeofDarkness: you try to collect the people most like you
lemonaDe spit: i never got a link to miss melissa or wtfever. i just got the same message, and it was from someone with a blank myspace
aShadeofDarkness: this group thing is like diffrent colors on a
color wheel. like were all seperating twords our color
aShadeofDarkness: oh i did too
aShadeofDarkness: i just looked at miltons
aShadeofDarkness: from princton ky
aShadeofDarkness: and decided to hit the add button anyway
aShadeofDarkness: and thats who it added
lemonaDe spit: ohh
aShadeofDarkness: makes me sad how confusied the world is
aShadeofDarkness: cus were all like the same person and they are part of me and it hurts and i just wanna make it better for that part
aShadeofDarkness: like put some medicin n a bandade on it
lemonaDe spit: mmmhm
lemonaDe spit: whateryoudoing
aShadeofDarkness wants to send file C:\Documents\exlimation.jpg.
aShadeofDarkness: this
lemonaDe spit wants to directly connect.
aShadeofDarkness cancels request; no connection was made. (Note: For best results, you and your buddy should use the latest version of AIM.).
aShadeofDarkness wants to directly connect.
lemonaDe spit is
now directly connected.
aShadeofDarkness: does it show you a picture?
lemonaDe spit: mmmhm
(so basically.
i pretty much probably hate you
for one reason or another.
and maybe no reason at all)

except you...
and maybe you.

lemonaDe spit: lol. thats been on there forever
aShadeofDarkness: looking is like a fortion cookie
aShadeofDarkness: little scraps of truth diffrent everytime even if youve had the same one before your diffrent now so its diffrent an new beatiful robinluabye
lemonaDe spit: teehee :p you missed my away message last night. i was hoping you'd find it. i told you i was gonna take a shower. and it was liiike...
lemonaDe spit: im in the shower.
im in the shower naked.
im in the shower naked & singing.
im in the shower naked & singing and you better like it.
lemonaDe spit:
aShadeofDarkness: always love it
aShadeofDarkness: never just
like it
aShadeofDarkness: *drewls
aShadeofDarkness: i want us to sing as we fuck in a shower on the top of a hill where its windy witout a curtain and it wont be a tub but a slab
aShadeofDarkness: omg thats the piller in the desert
lemonaDe spit: !
aShadeofDarkness: know what im talking about?
lemonaDe spit: umm, i think
aShadeofDarkness: un is the desert shaded between a piller somehow standing without that missing part
aShadeofDarkness: is not 'un is '*
aShadeofDarkness: damnit
aShadeofDarkness: us****
aShadeofDarkness: while the worlds created around us
aShadeofDarkness: is like me on a slab on a hill under the shower
aShadeofDarkness: me/us*
lemonaDe spit: huh... *nods*
aShadeofDarkness: blah im tired of this
aShadeofDarkness: ashes in the botom of a cup
lemonaDe spit: wanna talk on the phone?
aShadeofDarkness: mmmhn
aShadeofDarkness: kay
lemonaDe spit: bye <333
lemonaDe spit direct connection is

The 2 paths of the enlightened
Representing the god and goddess
The Mad-Monk
and Righteous-Priest
You can see this in the lyrics of Jim Morison (mad monk), and Syd Barrett (the righteous priest)
Both paths are equally difficult

Though the path of the mad monk is despised by the majority, and thus dangerous.
As it is the path of chaos being reborn as righteousness
The existential path of chaos, which pulls up all our taboos, as a way to put us in a state of shock. For it's there that we can reach enlightenment and be reborn.
But it seems to the people not looking for enlightenment, not open to the experience, this seems satanic, evil, and malicious. But for the Mad-Monk, this is his only path, and he doesn't see himself as a person trying to do evil, but good- but this good is twisted, and hard to see through the clouded eyes of the unenlightened- for the good part is only on the other side, of the shaman's present, seeming evil.
The other path of enlightenment is a beautiful, idealistic, chaos that mirrors the world- as does the other path, only oppositely. This
path is a towel being rung, to feel the collected, syrupy, goodness of mankind. Dripping Technicolor rainbows, and microwave clouds; humming a happy tune, and will attempt to help you on your path, though it might be hard to understand, and ridicules that clouds are talking/much like talking to a truly holy person, and because of this new feeling one usually will not take such advise- or can't understand it to begin with.

I suppose you could see this parallel in john the Baptist and Jesus

Rasputin and our last Pope John Paul2

The Terrorists
and the people at the first Woodstock

The Beatles
and ICP
(both clowns [entertainers] faced with something they didn't really understand but recorded in there art [IM NOT COMPARING THEM IN ANY OTHER WAY!!!] )

They're both trying to do the right thing
by completely opposite means.
They'll both work- people
just need to pick one.

These paths used to differ, and conform, complimentary to regions;
due to the different climates, myths, and natural hallucinogens found.
But now that the world is a large pot of stew- philosophers, poets, artists, musicians, shamen are born into the wrong place and are killed or demonized- I'm not saying this is new, its not, but explaining: it began, as our migration around the earth did- stirring the stew of cultures and ideas plants and animals etc.

There is a problem with existing in the right(holy)thing though.
Ecstasy, is completely dependent on the person; whether it's enjoyable, or a very, very, unenjoyable experience.
Because when your faced with unconditional love and goodness all around
if you have
doubt in your heart- you will become very very worried
that maybe you're in hell- that all this goodness is badness- that this overwhelming helping hand, is so deviantly malicious, that it seems
benevolent- but only to give you a false sense of security.
even if you only have even a speck of doubt
from it it may and does grow
you can be over taken
much like and illness.

But when you are truly with god you cannot think- therefore you can not doubt, rationalize, deny-there are no words. Just like being in love. If it is true, you'll struggle, trying to use words to describe, and feel, that they do the subject no justice. God and the Goddess are like that too-

They are our beautiful parents and I adore them both, as they adore me, you, and all we see, ever further.


Celebration Of The Lizard
jim morison [The doors]

Lions in the street and roaming
Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming
A beast caged in the heart of a city
The body of his mother
Rotting in the summer ground
He fled the town

He went down South and crossed the border
Left chaos and disorder
Back there over his shoulder

One morning he awoke in a green hotel
With a strange creature groaning beside him
Sweat oozed from its shining skin
is everybody in?
is everybody in?
is everybody in?
the ceremony is about to begin

Wake up!
You can't remember where it was
Had this dream

The snake was pale gold
Glazed and shrunken
We were afraid to touch it
The sheets were hot dead prisms
And she was beside me
Old, she's no, young
Her dark white hair
the white soft skin

Now, run to the mirror in the bathroom
shes coming in here
I can't live thru each slow century of her moving
I let my cheek slide down
The cool smooth tile
Feel the good cold stinging blood
The smooth hissing snakes of rain . . .

Once I had, a little game
I liked to crawl, back in my brain
I think you know, the game I mean
I mean the game, called 'go insane'

you should try, this little game
Just close your eyes, forget your name
Forget the world, forget the people
And we'll erect, a different steeple

This little game, is fun to do
Just close your eyes, no way to lose
And I'm right there, I'm going too
Release control, we're breaking thru

Way back deep into the brain
where there's never any pain
And the rain falls gently on the town
And over the heads of all of us
And in the labyrinth of streams
Beneath, the quiet unearthly presence of
gentle hill dwellers, in the gentle hills around
Reptiles abounding
Fossils, caves, cool air heights

Each house repeats a mold
Windows rolled
Beast car locked in against morning
All now sleeping
Rugs silent, mirrors vacant
Dust blind under the beds of lawful couples
Wound in sheets
And daughters, smug
With semen eyes in their nipples

There's been a slaughter here

(Don't stop to speak or look around
Your gloves and fan are on the ground
We're getting out of town
We're going on the run
And you're the one I want to come)

Not to touch the earth
Not to see the sun
Nothing left to do, but
Run, run, run
Let's run
lets run

House upon the hill
Moon is lying still
Shadows of the trees
Witnessing the
wild breeze
C'mon baby run with me
Let's run

Run with me
Run with me
Run with me
Let's run

Dead president's corpse in the driver's car
The engine runs on glue and tar
C'mon along, we're not going very far
To the East to meet the Czar

The mansion is warm, at the top of the hill
Rich are the rooms and the comforts there
Red are the arms of luxuriant chairs
And you won't know a thing till you get inside

run with me
run with me
run with me
let's run

Some outlaws lived by the side of the lake
The minister's daughter's in love with the snake
Who lives in a well by the side of the road
Wake up, girl! We're almost home

We should see the gates by mornin'
We should be inside by evening,

sun sun sun
burn burn burn
burn, burn, burn,
i will get you

i am the lizard king
i can do anything

We came down
The rivers and highways
We came down from
Forests and

We came down from
Carson and Springfield
We came down from
Phoenix enthralled
And I can tell you
The names of the Kingdom
I can tell you
The things that you know
Listening for a fistful of silence
Climbing valleys into the shade

for seven years, i dwelt
in the loose palace of exile
playing strange games with the girls of the island
now, i have come again
to the land of the fair, and the strong, and the wise
brothers and sisters of the pale forest
children of night
who among you will run with the hunt?
now night arives with her purple legion
Retire now to your tents and to your dreams
Tomorrow we enter the town of my birth
I want to be ready'

Syd Berrett [PinkFloyd]

Alone in the clouds all blue.
Lying on an eiderdown.
You can't see me, but I can you.

Lazing in the foggy dew.
Sitting on a unicorn.
No fear!
You can't hear me, but I can you.

Watching buttercups cup the light.
Sleeping on a dandelion.
Too much!
I won't touch you, but then I might.

Streaming through the starlit skies.
Travelling by telephone.
Hey ho here we go!
Ever so high...

Alone in the clouds all blue.
Lying on an eiderdown.
You can't see me, but I can you.

Lime and limpid green the second scene the fights between the bleu you once knew floating down the sound resounds around the icy waters underground Jupiter and Saturn, Oberon,Miranda and Titanian,
Neptune, Titan, stars can frighten Winding signs flap flicker flicker flicker flam pow pow stairway scare Dan dare who's there? blindman limpid green the sound surrounds the icy waters on the lime and limpid green the sound surrounds the icy waters underground

A movement is accomplished in six stages
And the seventh brings return.
The seven is the number of the young light
It forms when darkness is increased by one.
Change returns success
Going and coming without error.
Action brings good fortune.

The time is with the month of winter solstice
When the change is due to come.
Thunder in the other course of heaven.
Things cannot be destroyed once and for all.
Change returns success
Going and coming without error.
Action brings good fortune.
Sunset, sunrise.

A movement is accomplished in six stages
And the seventh brings return.
The seven is the number of the young light
It forms when darkness is increased
by one.
Change returns success
Going and coming without error.
Action brings good fortune.
Sunset, sunrise
both are polor opposits
dominating both come together by melting
making love


Returning Home


~(CuT uP)~
"A disgustingly accurate, pertrail, of why Emotion spells 'Eureka's Castle' while stoned"

I have to fire you. I'm sorry. 'Less you have RUM in that bag
then Well you're.... vodka
maybe Well, maybe, Sheep- maybe you......

You need shave them to like your mother's cat unless your mother is stuffed
Then more like, your mother-
Even if its dead
Because it needs to Cursed if it eats you... of
remind you Well round
something round and....
Then you cant make sandwiches (out've it)
a sandwich?
, I want an I meansandwich....
Where is my Who doesn't want
sandwich.... Here is

-Oh... that's
NOOooo WHY's GOD's ?!?
God ! wait ...

that. hair an stuff
If i ever wanna make my priced eggs- that guy from the is right
... you know that 'like guy'?

'I need' he ...has

Tasty Wait
is This glue just a thermos full ...
- glue-

god-THING a

Art tastes kill's
its If HERE 'Dead People'
Bats (winged) better most times
With That
is why that is
everyone dead
my curea for
RIGHT i have
No In pants
Those are my
God, Damnit keys
is it? Where

Baking lye pies
a small Convection Unit

It's a dream state
The same properties as reality
The things that occur in the dream state (by who's having the dream), still effect normal reality

There's that burst of light
head rushed
opaquely twinkling
in and out
not just double
Inability to focus

Up the hills near my house, at dusk
Crickets sound Artificial
"Sounds by:
I wasn't sure it was real
Relatively soft
Opposite, and surrounding areas, there would be (chirped) replies.

This thought then
Involved with this game.
Four split leg construction barriers formed a square
I ,trapped in the middle
touching one side produced
a (cricket) chirp [to signify my error]
pushed by invisible forces.


walking back
saw just that
I had not noticed it on the trip there
Four barriers squarely surrounding a whole

stole some nailpolish + a fake grape.
viva la revolution
my revolutionary baby doll
I wanna suck you like a pacifier dipped in marshmallow cream

I just need little bit of money so I can grab'a car+sum 'surience+gas, cigarettes and coffee
I agree freedom doesn't cost a thing -the cigarettes
are a restriction blah blah blah
maybe over a summer, travel with jus' nothing. but right now, I'd like my minimum luxury.
a gig to play- bit'o pocket money,
cool, jesus-man

I don't know what happened to the world. I was a buzz near its center. but slowly slipped further and further off to the side.

It's become this pointless jabber of some creamy tint. It's substancless. Even when I was complete agony off in the ditch, at least I could say this is something- This is like this blanketing: of unimportant.
I feel I'm the only one with any perspective. Either that, or no one cares, and that's why they're not talking about it. But I see it. A decadence of safety of gluttony. Saturated
there's this block that allows everything to seem focused and rationally welloff. But it's a lie. There is no new. Just this amalgam of disgusting similarity. Gaudy.

'and I guess that I just don't know'

I sit here tonight as the VelvetUnderground sings in the style of the times. Though there clouds made for a beautiful landscape. Tonight it's only a representation of this lulling bathwater.

For my ceremonial protest: ThrobbingGristle seems to cut through some entanglements.

Instantly its there exists possibility. As the 'putrid syrup' enters me there is a change. It'd be a wise assumption, that this, must be purely psychosomatic- Relief may too be spelled through any means, when one is desperate enough.

The next fucking day.

It'll happen in Athens (ga) somehow. The town of Athena.
Don't ask me why, cus I just don't know. But it will. It always does. It's as if I can see things mingling into what they'll become, and I'm always right. What I see though, is an allegory to what happens. I want robin to move up
here until she goes to collage. It was an unreliable testing when I was down there; So many variables. I very much want to marry her. But time, before that, to build things, would be lovely. I realize she doesn't have alot've trust in me. Not that I blame her. But I'd like to begin building that, and I think that's difficult if not impossible through indirect relating. I really want to get the comic out. its something I've always wanted to do. I'd really like to make music but people are gone or not into it something-

This period before christmas; This endless hermitage of beige shag carpet, that everyone was so comforted by. Some uneasiness (unconsciously) because of it. I always feel like the only one with perspective. I like to be really objective. I remember when I was using dex regularly. Its disassociative properties changed that and made it all the more eccentric and

Tonight's the new year. I can feel the beginning of a new chapter; Completely different from the last but influenced by knowledge of its existence.

That's all weird how that came together.

I'm worried that I'm going back to the bumbling-nerdy-jeff goldblum-poetic talking-dumpy-fat-kid version of my father. As if Mike's influence/work has completely vanished. I'm slipping back into a more eclectic VS The harsh/existential style.

I don't want syd to die, I just don't want him fucking up my life.

I find myself becoming consciously self doubting, instead of being past that-knowing/but notsure/notcaring/unconscious-
Back to
maybe/no/probobly/just ignore it for the time being.
I'm paranoid instead of being past paranoid excepting/notcaring/because maybe its not true/its pointless to worry, consciousness.

I don't know
if this is good or bad. I want both but neither- I want the best of both selves. Not a regression or transcendence back to another reality/stateofmind. I want both and neither, the best of both and better, for me to grow not to cycle.

I've gone from knowing the world is shit and dealing with that back to 'you cant have that mindset if you want things to change'

It doesn't have to be this way
Its an allegory- oh fuck
Everything's a fucking metaphor again feet are stepping on frozen earth this breeze is comfortingly cooling though its winter and there should be snow

Is this just me grasping back to another way of being after suffering and amnesia in my attempt to be who I always wanted and who I became not living up to my own expectations that lifestyle benefit plan

see mike and I were on par when we started. in fact I remember him kinda coming in (but very quickly) from trepidations of my seniority. but the whole world (me included) kinda put him into a place of leadership. he left and so everyone spoke of him in memory which is always shaded in gold. mike and I did this- chantry used to do that. so it felt like he was colored that way, he was a pioneer- but in fact we all were, and that's something that got to be a submissive fact.

so then I began feeling as if I was traveling in his footsteps. this was all muddled subconscious thoughts till now. I was hanging out with his friends, working with what he'd left, he'd call me to tell me about new experiments- my new experiments weren't physical so they seemed less real-

but I realize that we relate to the world through different
means, I'm a feeler and I empathize with things to understand them, he's a senser, he experiences them with his senses to understand them (this is were me psychology learning pays some therapy bills). so cant really share experiments on par.

I was a teenager, we all were.

experimenting with dex leaves me too impaired to emotionally shield anything- I became a reactionist and that made me feel more like a senser. I was reacting so I was doing and doing is a trait of a senser and mike is a senser and that's where I wanted to be. it was easier there, because he was there and we were brothers, and we were going to concur the world, or share and help eachother through our defeat in it.

so at this time I was also not dealing with the emotional wounds i'd suffered, through the woman i'd been with,
pre my meeting mike which was pre robin. now I was a feeler and I always had this deep emotional bond with my soulmate who existed only in my head-

being as intellectual as my father had lead me to be, had the potential to be (with these lovely genetics, the incite of a feeler who unconsciously abused caffeine). I was a ridiculously cerebral person, thus a madcrazy outcast. very lanky, dorkie kid, which led to some beating in elementary school, which made me antisocial, which made me a hermit, which made me fat, which made big, which made me less of a target for physical- and more mental abuse in school.

so I desperately needed someone to talk to. to like me, to love me- whatever. add the infantile emotions of pre/teen internet dating, and you have my hatred of women-my complete mental breakdown-depression-paranoia ala homeshcooling, and accelerated interest in
(ways out): philosophy, religion, art, poetry- which of course focused on the darker aspect of those as I was in a dark state- you get esoteric traditions: satanism, witchcraft, hermeticism, freemasonry, kabala- uncannonised or lost biblical texts, and exestenualism surrealism dada beat culture, and conspiracy theory.

so when mike and I met up we were a match man. my rebellion and his rebellion which fueled his own existential search leading him to industrial music, revolutionary doctrines, rivet head culture, experiments in protest, art, surrealism, dada, conspiracy theory, beat culture. so we were both like these arrogant (his revolutionary to my exestenuslist) motherfuckers who were pretty pissed off and had some things in common.

what I kept coming back to was that, as much as we wanted to change the world (though through different means) we weren't
politicians or really revolutionaries, we were artists. but we'd been outcast by our brethren in art, who were defiantly better then us as far as ease of skill, but we had emotion that they lacked completely. they were outcasts- but they weren't crazy. we'd turn to them in our searches and were turned away. this fueled the dissent. they'd become commercial artists who ate tofu and lived in 300 thousand dollar apartments and we'd be gutter artists 3 to a one bedroom studio apartment who'd become addicted to heroin. we saw the line even then.

I always had hope though- and I do now, again. I never knew why. but we are better then both those types... we are going to be somewhere in the middle, happy, doing what we love, in Athens or someplace like it.. I know it. you all do too I think. we'll be better then our parents did. I think we're the kind've people who can address those

PLease SaVe My LifE Projekt

so this is kind've a joke but not really a story about this poor kid whose really sweet but is absolutely insane. thinks he's the antichrist; but the antichrist isn't a bad person he's just a guy, of no Jewish decent- at all. thinks he might be the antichrist and its ripping him apart, and those around him. he knows only bits and pieces of the Kabala and yoga and the esoteric tradition that he began researching as a way out of his misery ended up entrapping himself in what he felt would be his salvation but ended up ruining his life and driving him mad thus far. he's an artist and begins expressing himself as 'the antichrist' raves on and on about how it all makes sense that its him. as a lark he sends this to Brittany spears Madonna and Marylyn Manson. as kind've his last ditch effort to find some guidance before he hurts himself. a
really cool indie film project worldwide event and apocalypse

there will be this chanting by the three which at first sounds satirical but then has this odd hold and then everyone gets the message its the end of the show and back to baseline. but no this is the twilight zone so that means the antichrist rules man!! and its pagan. now pop stars as a tribunal of popes of a religion you the viewer screwed up worshiping idols again! now they control your lives. the bible is a fucking instruction manual on how to live and you didn't read it. so here you go, you can do what you want, when you want, your only responsibility is yourself so don't fuck it up. but a few thousand years of baggage buried in flesh you know therapy aint gonna help you jack. you can bet law and order aint gonna last long, hell on earth. or it could be we finally understand together as a signal perspective and then we do the whole thing again and that's all I
mean that's it

So all artists are bipolar, maybe everyone is. If the whole world is two things fucking, and the fucking makes 3; that's like saying you me and the bottle makes three. The change or act can become anything. The scraps, fertilizer, shit, stuff, jizim, cum, drugs, whatever- can be whatever you two want it to be. They are the lubricant and the magic.

Even if one end doesn't consume it, both do because the two are interrelated. Everything's interrelated; The Tree of Life and The Tree of Knowledge are interrelated.

Every group is The Red Squares Collective; There's always been a group talking about the way it works. Then you stop talking about it, and grow farther and farther from it. The routine makes you
dead; the act the sex, the drugs, go stale. Then you're shit out've luck man. Kurkugard said to do a crop rotation. I mean that works to an extent, but your still subject to it, regardless what you try- What I mean is you will do what god wants you to, no matter how long it takes, and it takes infinity.

Which is some fucking bullshit man

i hate the knowledge and love the knowledge

i feel like the real world isn't real

and then i flip

then the world i feel isn't real

then i breakdown

which is




Syd cant feel, but he can react to what your feeling, have an opinion on things. He's angry or sad, but doesn't feel it physically; That's why I like being Syd. It hurts so much to exist, I'm glad I don't have to feel sometimes, and still exist to experience the senses. Syd exists when I'm on dex. I
get dex is basically heroin- Poppy: it's the hive with the spark. Look at a poppy: it has a cup and a seed and a lube.

I get now the things they taught us in school. I always thought it was the weirdest shit, but i guess everyone understands the bible unconsciously, they just don't realize it. The routines, and teachings are so unrelatable, so uncurrent- You cant just say: hey everything is fucking to exist; but that's it man- That's it, and in school your taught it, over and over again, in so many guises.
Maybe it's just me- i feel like i just wrote the same thing

There's Syd, Sidious, and Denver. The id conscious and superconscious (I renamed them. it made more sense to me). I get it- I get Jung big time. The id, your primal identity, it has two ways: angry and sad. It does things: moves, fucks, takes in memories, but not food, hates food- no food with drugs man- i ate me some drugs I'm full enough
to be happy man. It wants to understand the world but when it does its kinda scared of it. Like wow one thing kinda fucking itself- that's weird man. Then there's consciousness. He's based on the id (identity), but not really aware of him, though id's awareness is his awareness. He's got two more ways he can be. Sarcastic, charming, and decedent. He's aware of the rules, but doesn't give a damn, but maybe he does- because he has to know about the consequences, even if he doesn't live with them. He's obsessed with sensing the world, in any fashion he can- He ripped out my teeth- to feel it.

Denver is aware of both Syd and Sidious. He's the superconscious, and takes responsibility for them both- feels, knows, and is conscious of there existence- thus is a empathetic/martyr/jesus.
I am so fucked up man its ridicules on many a levels damn. my parents aren't even religious.

3 are christ/superconscious, antichrist/conscious, then crucifixion/action/
The id/root

4 is where you add an accelerant or drug. Which makes you aware of the process; So that'd be shrooms/manna- jesus took amanda miscara /red, white-spotted mushrooms: explaining what he said at the well. That he'd prefer the water of life-his piss, as the drug stays active in piss [six times over]- reindeer would actually seek out shaman piss in the forests of Scandinavia.

5 is what I am; The narrator, who's like the fourth wall/the audience's perspective.
So who does that make me..... oh- I'm Matthew in this muddled mess. Okkie-Dokie. Mathew is like Denver's friend; watching him babble apocalyptically on dex and shit- Matthew is like The Dude in 'The Big Labouski'/the physiatrists place right? yep-
bout right...

I get it man

I'm Denver Matthew Dell it's 4:04pm January 6, 2006
I took 10 Musinex pills at 10pm, 10 more at 12:30am, and 10 more at 4am
A gram get's you to god.
I used to do a gram every time i was bored at night, alone.

Makes sense now: God and The Devil fighting, earth in the middle. Earth is were the drugs grow, that you chose to take, or not take, to cure boredom- which is what exercise, singing, and art is for. It's self _expression. It lets the conscious and id out to do stuff. Self _expression is like god coming through/drugs is the devil coming through
Wow its all coming to-fucking-gether
I hope i don't die or something after i get all this.

The trip was smooth as silk. I'm glad i know all that shit, so i don't regret- it but i feel bad because i didn't want to, but did because i was bored. When I'm bored, i feel like the world isn't real enough for me. There's a nursury ryhme, about boredom being the devils playground i wish i knew, So i could sing it when i got bored as to not be bored.
Ha- the devil is me, god is me-
everything is everything else wound thogether.
Kinda puts a funny twist on cartoons with an angel and a devil on each shoulder doesn't it?

I'm looking at this shit now the two above paragraphs; I added on to each of them, and made them separate-

Fucking Loop man
It's like: You're a dumb ass
Because I keep seeing myself. You're still fucking here: That's my awareness of the drugs.
What am i talking about? Drugs are awarness.
-whatever i get it...

This is why i like dex. It's a learning drug.
It's telling me:
You're a dumb fuck-what's wrong with you-stay in school bitch. Then laughs at you.
Drugs and School
Same shit
Its the

Then i found the candy necklace shed left
it was her...


i need to be normal for her
because i need her
she is what i
always wanted

thats it
. . .

Sex and love are the same thing
No that doesn't make sense
I don't care
I'm drifting

Sleep is were the roles are backwards
You telescope in yourself, back through yourself. Your roles getting reversed in the process. I said once before The world is a signal point, that telescopes infinitely back, and infinitely forward/ big and small -but big and small don't exsist in infinity, because nothings relative

So this is the thing the big esoteric secret
That anyone who knows can fuck everything up
They have to live out they're days getting straws instead of the big thing.
Knowing they can have the big thing but will eventually be killed for it
-and up being the seed for the next devil (Judas) and their brother (Peter)
the next god and their wife (Mary) a whore- because they didn't have time to get married because he got crucified first- but they had sex making him a sinner- and unable to be the pure lamb leading the herders- right, well great

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fulfillment in the void
the trials of a young woman

feel me
our wounds healing
we keep close, always
feel the strength that we share
here together now always
you give me so much and me to those who may be ungrateful
the suffering endured for them
all for them so much
the weakness you felt inside only your enduring heart
years of abuse of your kind words to those only thinking of themselves
bad names they called you a reword for your kind patients and their
all the shit they dish you all to make them feel better you knew you
understood all to well
unfair world
standing holding herself in the daylight piercing the nights sky
all she can do to endure tears, many throughout the night now passed
i see her
lovely girl
longing for that knife
longing to destroy that self
i see the sad in her eye
i can feel the hurt
you hide inside
you hide from me
i want to go to her just to hold her and tell her everything will be
alright. to give her that knife
a rush of pain
i feel this now too
shattered goodness
fear pain
i could see it in her
a hunger a sickness
they had taken from her love
a misunderstood something
a growing void
the roots of a horrid thing a dark place deep inside
reaching at her
ugly these things deprived
they reach
groping and pulling at her skin
the acidic tears they shed to burn though her soul
for which they may not ever acquire
and so they make so no one could
theirs jagged fingers
ripping the flesh pierce the skin pulling it all away
her glitter her glow "such beauty not meant for you"
losing your mind in fairy-tales
what did?
what could be.
in such sadness
i find you there
--purple melancholy a state of being
you take notice of me or my long stares
sleeping half dead to the world
to yourself
in the forest of loneliness
my voice a reaching hand
"come with me" this echoed in your minds eye
a boy
white paint is he covered in.
a mask? a costume?
something something something
it rings over and over inside
you rush to him and rip at his flesh
a soft velvet liquid bubbles from torn flesh a black hole dribbling
a pasty occuwa blood
as it begins to burn your hands
only a moment
you realize what you had just done.
thrown backward
'only a child' damning yourself inside
as your mouth has long been sewn shut
asking yourself why
wanting badly to scream
tears they come
they burn badly
but the pain feels so good
for a moment
and now colder then before
he stares at you
something inside is changed
you want him to stop now
you go to him now
something made so perfect flaws seem unbearably ugly
ripping this horrid costume
tarring at him crying now
pain mocking goodness
taking in the one in which you now exist
all following will pale in the light of this
the texture of your skin
of his
a smooth powdery blue so soft
the breeze of cool air against your skin standing in the fire
of bliss of the agony of those who could not endure so
lovely and horrible fear the terrible wrongness of it all
music oh yes you could hear it now could feel it
you slowly open your eyes he's holding you now looking down at you with
loving eyes
the kiss so fulfilling
righting all those years of wrong
more meaningful then the good deeds of all mankind
no more hate no more fear
the treachery men forgotten
a life-time of marriage
melting to fill the grasping holes worn away by space in her soul
making you more then whole again
only him and me
forgotten to the world

yet again
together yet


more pure
more real


laying against him now
he wraps his arms around you
draping you entirely in his warmth

his words
i love you.
ever beginning
holding you closer now
forever this
burying embrace
such love as this is never been known
angels in the night
needing nothing no one

more then the world would ever offer.
more then
the world
could ever

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The silt, it lines the floor. All the misgivings, misunderstandings,
opportunities, and "Miss. Excuse me Miss... Yes. By any chance, are you
possible my mother?"
Titlestic checker-boardish maze of black, white, and white, and white:
Slowly uttering words that not anyone can really hear that I'm
screaming to
myself over and under, under and over.
My nearly unfashionable velveteen rabbit, his vampyric like fangs bleed
sickly pale colored arm ripping at the preternatural flesh; foam drips
the wound like a salt licking horse; dead from the heat. That blood
grass (the cord of life snapped ) her colt falls from his mother's
choked by her over-abundant clitoris. Standing in a failed attempt to
from her dead sun-boiled nipples, a crust of flaking lacten burned into
bosom; waking to find a down comforter (he had wet). Slipping from
consciousness, bucking the dead carcass; a boy covering his pale body
with a
dirty horse-skinned blanket, covered in mud and vermin that infested
depths of his bare cog and bred in a vapent mess of floss that was
about the length of this marble floor ( like dust entangled
confetti from a silent new-years day: neglected ever to be cleaned)
A soaped mouth of an unapologetic preadolescent, showing signs of
of long forgotten monsters, that now reside in my thigh.
"God Damnit!" "What?" "What is this thing, it wont Die!" "Are you using
spatula?" "YEAH." "The blue one?" "...
(seven dollars, seven dollars setting down the money, I wonder why. I
just paid the remainder of my money minus three bucks from a ten dollar
for a cup of coffee that i wont drink.) "I hate coffees." No one was
listening. My left hand holding the warm cup (the straw between the
and second fingers) as I begin screaming at the door-man
as he lets me in: "-Because a cultured man takes his medicine- ALL OF
He remembers (stepping into the glowing orange elevator staring at one
the purposely weathered mirrors that formed this flying door at the
in his eye)
"Because she likes it..."
...and he loved her. Tonight he would loosen her straps, the synthetic
prostheses falling to the floor. He would kiss her, groaning low, as
fondled the knife into his chest. "Angel..."Yes, my love?" Will you
leave me, in this state?" I'll always be here to clean the wound

Tuesday, November 29, 2005



(i've been listening to this album alot, it is a great record. i think its making me miss my grandfather, or it could be time to finally grieve on this topic.)

its been several weeks since i've had anything i really wanted to blog. the thing with an online journal is that if you've kept a private journal for years, you can never really find the same flow online. i've found that although i may journal everyday its not at the same places.
items of note:
dec 17th there will be a poetry reading at inside outside gallery called LABOUR.
several poets will read beginning at 8pm. katie daley, michelle smith, kelly harris, kate sopko, Angela Beallor,Claudia Cortese,Laura Vild,deb ~:, and last but not least,Uma. it should be a really charged reading, and i'm looking forward to it.

dec 23rd my duo with michael pultz (blktyger) will play at the gallery with A joshua smith lead duo from sanfran, should be great night.the doors open for that show at 9:30pm.

and this is not in any order of importance really, just a random muse- i blogged about a woman i've known 8yrs, and we've been seeing each other quite a bit, and i love this woman. ummmmmm . . . how bout that? she is smart, and kind, and funny. is a writer/reader. i know this is going to sound like i'm just feeling it, but she is the most beautiful woman i've ever known.

Friday, November 04, 2005

on robert lowell

so, me and jon went to the punk rock dumpster and got rid of a bunch of old records i knew wouldn't sell in the store. jon picked out a few and we went. so i scored a collected robert lowell, which was just reviewed in the NEW YORKER MAGAZINE, and went for about fifteen bucks even though it goes for 40bucks at borders. ha! here's a critical tract on lowell by the poet/critic Perloff, who may hate me.
ha! again bitches. enjoy.

On "Man and Wife"
Marjorie Perloff

Although the mode of "Man and Wife" is essentially realistic, there are a number of local metaphors. The "rising sun" of line 2 becomes, in the diseased imagination of the poet who fears passion and vitality, an Indian savage in "war paint" who "dyes us red," the pun on "dyes" intensifying the death-in-life existence of the couple. Paradoxically, from the poet's point of view only inert object receive the sun's life-giving warmth: the "gilded bed-posts" of line 3, which evidently have an antique floral motif, are seen as thyrsi, the phallic staffs carried by the Bacchantes in their rites honoring Dionysus. The magnolia blossoms, further reminders that April is the cruelest month, are murderous creatures who set the morning air on fire. And finally, the tirade of the poet's wife bombards his ear like an ocean wave breaking against a rock.

But the condition which causes the poet to see the sun as a feared savage and the white magnolia blossoms as "murderous" is defined by a larger metonymic sequence of alliterating nouns: "Miltown" -- "Mother's bed" -- "Marlborough Street" -- "our magnolia." The first line of the poem looks casual and matter-of-fact until certain connections become apparent. The reference to Miltown, the first and most famous of the tranquilizers that came on the market in the fifties rather than to, say, Equanil or Valium, is not coincidental. For one thing, liquids and nasals ("Tamed by Miltown, we lie on Mother's bed") point up the speaker's torpor and lassitude, but, more importantly, the name Miltown metonymically suggests such terms as Mill town, mill stone, and small town. The poet's state of anxiety is thus immediately seen as somehow representative of a larger American dilemma, of a crisis that occurs in Small Town or Any Town, U.S.A. The image of neurotic fracture is intensified in the second half of the line: the nuptial bed has been replaced by "Mother's bed"; her shadow, as it were, lies between husband and wife. In lines 8-12, moreover, it becomes clear that the poet's wife must act the role of mother to him; for the "fourth time" she has had to hold his hand and drag him home alive.

. . . .

In the second section (lines 8-22), the poet addresses his wife directly. The phrase "Oh my Petite, / clearest of all God's creatures, still all air and nerve" sounds mawkish when detached from the poem, but within the context it defines the speaker's wish to let his wife know that he still admires and loves her even if his love is impotent and destructive. Although she must act the role of Mother to him, he wants to think of her as his "Petite." And now he recalls the night, so different from this "homicidal" one, when he first met her. Again the focus is on setting rather than on emotion. The scene is diametrically opposed to that of Marlborough Street: it is the noisy, hot, alcoholic, left-wing Greenwich Village of Philip Rahv, the editor of Partisan Review. The poet wryly recalls his former self, "hand on glass / and heart in mouth," trying to outdrink the Rahvs and "fainting" at the feet of his future wife, the Southern-born lady intellectual whose "shrill invective" denounced the traditionalism of the Old South.

. . . .

The turn in the final section is quietly ironic: "Now twelve years later, you turn your back." Husband and wife no longer even try to touch. "Sleepless," she holds not him but her pillow to the "hollows" of her unsatisfied body. As in the past, rhetoric is her weapon, but whereas at the Rahvs the attack was good-humored and academic, now on "Mother's bed" life itself is at stake. But this is not to say that the poem is wholly pessimistic. The first water image in the poem -- the image of the ocean wave breaking against the speaker's head -- marks a turning point. The life-giving water rouses the poet from his Miltown-induced lethargy, a lethargy in which he envies the thyrsus-like bed-post, and brings him back to reality.

From The Poetic Art of Robert Lowell (Ithaca: Cornell UP, 1973), 90-93.


Stephen Yenser

In "Man and Wife" the setting and the landscape are vividly colored by the filter of tranquilized derangement through which the poet sees them. The initial lines, which in effect if not in intention parody Donne's "The Sunne Rising," owe much of their power to just this kind of distortion:

Tamed by Miltown, we lie on Mother's bed;
the rising sun in war paint dyes us red;
in broad daylight her gilded bed-posts shine,
abandoned, almost Dionysian.

The submerged violence rises to the surface of the poem in the description of the magnolia blossoms that "ignite / the morning with their murderous five days' white." A few lines later, where the speaker sees himself as having been "dragged ... home alive" from "the kingdom of the mad" by his wife, Lowell glances back at the confinement in McLean's Hospital and the incarceration in the West Street jail, each of which testifies to both the poet's isolation from the world and the problems of living in that world. "'To Speak of Woe That Is in Marriage,'" which seems to have begun with a translation of Catullus, shifts to the wife's point of view and reiterates the possibility of violence: "'This screwball might kill his wife, then take the pledge.'" Her own febrile temperament, as well as her husband's tortured mind, is implied in her conception of his moonlighting: "'free-lancing out along the razor's edge.'"

From Circle to Circle: The Poetry of Robert Lowell. Copyright © 1975 by the Regents of the University of California.